We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
