I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I can't turn off my feet"
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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