Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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