i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
