This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
