I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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