There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
