heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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