So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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