got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
