I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
