wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
