And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
