i was rollin on her like bob the builder
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
