Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
