just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
