you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
this boner is exhausting
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
