Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
