I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
