God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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