"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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