the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
