Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
