I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Found the puke drawer
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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