We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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