Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
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