You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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