yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
