I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
