yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
