in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
