Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
