I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Panties = found
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
