Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
