That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
