My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
