She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
