so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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