I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
