My underwear smells like fireworks.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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