After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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