I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
