if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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