sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We're too hungover to prance.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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