Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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