I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
