I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize