capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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