Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
