I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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