Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
