I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
