the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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