this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize