Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i came on her dog
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
