Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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