Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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