Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
