Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
