plz talk dirty to me
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
