The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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