Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
