dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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