nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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