I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
