i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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