does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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