sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Randomize
