My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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