I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
