Pappa wants mamma naked
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
