my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
