You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
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