I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
