Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Oh god it's open bar.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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